In the first couple days after making my declaration, I have been surprised by some of my feelings. I decided to do what I have done many times before: sign up for a couple races. While making all the usual decisions, such as which distance to run or which hotel to use for out-of-town events, I began to feel nervous in the most unpleasant way. It was not the nervous excitement I remember having for my first races 4 years ago; these feelings came with a sickness in my stomach. It was the oddest, most unsettling extended moment.
I decided to stop and really try to observe what was happening. I wanted to be honest with myself about these feelings by acknowledging them, but I also needed to pause long enough to get a handle on what might be causing them. Whatever was making me feel this way couldn’t be based in much reality, I thought. After all, the reality is that I can sign up for a race and do it, period. I know that I can begin, stay the course, and finish—no matter how long it takes. As I’ve said a million times, “What matters most is that we’re moving. Who cares how fast or slow?”
Once I realized how little this discomfort had to do with the objective facts, I had to admit that I was telling myself all kinds of negative, shame-inducing things about how far I am now from where I have been. In other words, I was saying things to myself that a friend would never say to me. I am not convinced that such thoughts won’t emerge again, but I am prepared to be kinder to myself when I see this pattern again.
Already, I’ve had some practice. I have done two more workouts since my New Year’s Day reboot. Saturday, I walked 30 minutes on a treadmill with one or two two-minute jogs thrown in. Today, I walked 30 minutes on a treadmill at a slower pace and with no jogging. Very deliberately, I focused on the fact that I had made exercising at least 3 days a week my goal and I had achieved that goal.
I have said to those beginning an exercise plan a million times, “What matters most is that we’re moving. Who cares how fast or slow?” I am hearing myself in a whole new way, and it has me thinking My mama didn’t raise no fool. 🙂
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